Read the paragraph below.  We will work to revise this paragraph to achieve two goals.

1)     We will want to make the paragraph more descriptive.

2)     We will want to make our descriptions convey a particular tone.

As we work to revise, keeping our description true to the shell will be important.  We can’t, for instance, say the shell is “green” instead of “brown” because the shell isn’t green.  The shell will be passed around the room for you all to see (it is small) as we work on revising.

      The color of the shell is white and brown. The tip is black and looks like a pen. It looks like a slide that swirls around. The shell looks like it has a white background with caramel clouds like a giraffe’s skin. It feels smooth.  The opening of the shell looks like an eye and the inside is white.